Beer & Bar Jokes (2)

An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Two gents were getting philosophical during happy hour at their local bar. One asks the other what he would do if he was told he had only six months to live.

"I'd move in with my mother-in-law," said the friend.

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because it would be the longest six months of my life."

A man walks into a bar, looks around, then heads straight to a booth in the corner where there sits the only other customer in the bar. "May I buy you a drink?" he asks.

"Of course! Sit down" the man answers. They order and begin drinking.

The first man says "I couldn't help noticin' your accent? Where are ye from?"

"Ireland," the other customer replies.

"Well, I'll be! I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

Then the man asks, "Where in Ireland, if I might ask?"

"Dublin," the other man responds.

"Begorrah!" the first man exclaims. "I'm from Dublin myself! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

"Now you've got me curiosity up," the first man says. "Where did you go to high school?"

"St. Mary's," the second man said. "I graduated in '62."

"That's incredible! I graduated from St. Mary's in '62 as well! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

Another customer walks into the bar, heads to the counter and asks the bartender, "What's up, Bob?"

"Not much," the bartender replies. "Except that the O'Riley twins are drunk again."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Mick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

also see: The Humor System