Beer & Bar Jokes (2)

An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Two gents were getting philosophical during happy hour at their local bar. One asks the other what he would do if he was told he had only six months to live.

"I'd move in with my mother-in-law," said the friend.

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because it would be the longest six months of my life."

A man walks into a bar, looks around, then heads straight to a booth in the corner where there sits the only other customer in the bar. "May I buy you a drink?" he asks.

"Of course! Sit down" the man answers. They order and begin drinking.

The first man says "I couldn't help noticin' your accent? Where are ye from?"

"Ireland," the other customer replies.

"Well, I'll be! I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

Then the man asks, "Where in Ireland, if I might ask?"

"Dublin," the other man responds.

"Begorrah!" the first man exclaims. "I'm from Dublin myself! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

"Now you've got me curiosity up," the first man says. "Where did you go to high school?"

"St. Mary's," the second man said. "I graduated in '62."

"That's incredible! I graduated from St. Mary's in '62 as well! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

Another customer walks into the bar, heads to the counter and asks the bartender, "What's up, Bob?"

"Not much," the bartender replies. "Except that the O'Riley twins are drunk again."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Mick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

also see: The Humor System

The Health Benefits of Beer

If you read the newspapers, you probably see a lot of stories about the health problems that the country is facing. You see headlines of people suffering from heart attacks, cancer, and other illnesses, but you may not have heard an easy (and delicious) solution to some of these headlines - beer.

Remember, that you should definitely consume all alcoholic beverages in moderation, and if you have any questions about whether this will benefit your health, you should talk to your doctor. Ok, we've told you the legal disclaimer, let's get down to the facts and the research that show that beer, consumed in moderation, can actually help your health.

So how can beer help you to keep you healthy? Well, studies have found that it can actually be good for your heart, just like wine. If you are worried about your heart health, you should obviously exercise and eat right, but drinking two beers a day for men (and one for women), may give some people an extra boost. Remember, the advice is one to two beers a day, so drinking three or four beers a day won't triple or quadruple these effects of the beer.

What exactly can beer do to help your heart? Well, according to a study done by Tufts University, the consumption of beer in moderate amounts can decrease your cholesterol level, reduce the amount of fibrinogen in your blood (which is a protein that is responsible for blood clotting), and increase the level of antioxidants in your body.

Are all beers created equally? Not really, because although you can get health benefits from all beers, dark beers are actually better for your health than lighter colored beers. Dark beer contains more flavonoids than light beer. Flavonoids come from plants, and are also found in chocolate and red wine. What are the benefits of flavonoids? Flavonoids have been proven to prevent cancer and promote a healthy heart. Sure, you can find flavonoids in other foods, such as fruits and vegetables, but they are also present in high numbers in dark beer.

If heart disease runs in your family, you may want to listen to the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, which found in their research that drinking a moderate amount of beer daily can decrease your risk of coronary disease by about 30-40%. This is a great study to show your wife when she complains about you drinking a beer or two every evening. You can just reply with "Sorry honey. I'm doing it for us, not for me."

No longer do beer drinkers have to switch to wine if they want to get the health benefits of alcohol, because now they can get them from their favorite beverage. Of course, if you want more information about the effects of beer on your health, you should definitely consult your physician. Beer drinking can be dangerous for people who have certain health conditions or who take some medications. If you are already a casual beer drinker, you don't have to give it up to enjoy a healthy lifestyle.

by William Swan

Beer & Bar Jokes (1)

DO RE MI DRINK
by Homer J. Simpson
DO... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY... the guy that sells me beer...
ME... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR... a long way to get beer...
SO... I'll have another beer...
LA... I'll have another beer...
TEA... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!

Real Funny Beer Joke
True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

Beer Joke About The Devil
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

Corona vs. Budweiser vs. Coors vs. Guinness Joke
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Drunk Guy Beer Humor
A guy stumbles home completely wasted. He spends at least an hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success. A policeman happens to pass by. "hey whats the trouble mister?" "I cant get the damn key in the lock" says the man. The cop helps him out with the key and starts to go on his way. the drunk shouts "wait wait, I really appreciate it, let me show you my house!!" "No no, I'll just be on my way"says the cop. "no no just a second, I really want to show you!! So the cop finally agrees and they go inside. They enter the living room. "there's my tv, my stereo and all that" says the man. "thats nice" They go through the kitchen. "there's my microwave, the new refrigerator, pretty nice huh?" kids bedroom, "those are my 2 baby boys" "yes, they look cute" finally the mans bedroom "that there's my wife, and thats me next to her."

2 Irishmen

Two old Irishmen were holding up the bar at the local pub, reminiscing and drinking as they were wont to do, when one became quite melancholy and asked his friend, "Sean, when my time comes and I passion, can ye do me a favor?"

His friend replies, "Liam, you've been my friend for nigh on thirty years...just ask and I'll do it for you. What would you like me to do?"

The first one said, "Sean, on me mantelpiece at home is an old, old bottle of fine Irish whiskey. When they bury me, would you be mindin' it if ye poured it over me grave?"

And the second one gravely replies, "Liam, you know I'll be honored to do as you ask, but I'm wonderin', would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

A Horse in a Bar

A Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.
Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another.
The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"

Collecting and Removing Beer Label

If you have neither the space nor the time to maintain a full beer bottle or can collection, remove the labels from the beers you've enjoyed and keep them in an album. Some of these mementos may remind you of fantastic taste experiences and great moments with friends or family.

In the United States, where beer is served cold, beer lovers know that the labels come off easily when the bottles have been soaking in a tub of ice water for hours. But serious beer label collectors are always looking for a good method to remove the labels so that they're intact for sticking on a wall or in a book. Several methods, mostly borrowed from wine label collectors, are recommended.

The Hot Soak
Some collectors recommend softening the glue before attempting to remove the label. To do this fill the bottles with very hot water and immerse them in warm water that has some dishwashing powder dissolved in it. Steaming beer labels may also help to soften the glue for peeling.

The Cold Soak
Cold water soaks also work, particularly if you let bottles soak for several days. You might begin with hot or warm water, but as the water cools it continues to penetrate the beer label and allows you to slide it right off.

Other Methods
If you're very careful, difficult-to-remove labels may be coaxed off with a razor blade. This takes an enormous amount of patience and is by no means a fast method.

Some commercial products are designed for easy label removal. One is a clear adhesive overlay that is placed over the label. When you peel it off, the top layer of the label sticks to the adhesive. A few people have mentioned that they have trouble with wrinkles when they try to flatten the label after removing it with this method.

For most types of glue, a commercial product, such as Oxi-Clean™, designed to dissolve organic substances, appears to be the handiest solution. Simply spray beer labels with the liquid and peel them off almost immediately. The advantage of this system is that the labels are smooth and flat after drying.

Drying Beer Labels
As soon as you've removed the label, place it on one end of a dry towel without a pattern. Cover the label with the other side of the towel and press straight down. This will help remove some of the water from the label, a process known as damp drying. Place a piece of wax paper on a sheet of blotting paper, place the label, glue-side down, on the wax paper, and cover with a second sheet of blotting paper.

To prevent curling use a stack of books or other heavy flat object to keep the label flat whilst drying. Leave undisturbed for 24 to 48 hours, if the weather is damp, consider letting the label sit another day.

To prevent dry beer labels from curling, store flat in an acid-free album or in glassine envelopes.

The Labologists' Society
Some people are serious about collecting beer labels. The International Society for Label Collectors and Brewery Research (Labologists' Society), established in 1958, is one of the world's oldest organizations dedicated to the hobby of label collecting. The primary goal of the society is to promote the hobby and provide information on label collecting, breweries, and related subjects.

from http://www.drinkfocus.com/beer/beer-labels.php

History of Beer Pong Game

Beirut also commonly known as 'Beer Pong' is the most popular drinking game among college students today. Roughly twenty years ago the game emerged into society and caught on like wild fire. Beirut evolved as a "paddle-less" version of Beer Pong, a similar game that used paddles to propel the ping pong instead of throwing the ping pong by hand. According to Wikipedia there are two stories of where Beirut originated from. The first story explains that the game was popularized in 1983 after a student from Lehigh University observed a game at Bucknell University. The other story goes on to say that the game was developed in 1986. This is when a fraternity at Lehigh University created the game after all ping pong paddles were broken for regular Beer Pong. True Beirut .com supports the first story due to extent research in this area and finding many "old timers" who have claimed to play the game before 1986.

Anyhow, the reason the game is called Beirut instead of 'Beer Pong' is because of an interesting history fact. Since the name Beer Pong had already been assigned to the game with paddles, a name for the game without paddles was in need. What ended up coming to these student's mind oddly enough is the 70's. To be exact they saw throwing the ping pong balls into the opposite cups symbolizing the "bombings" from East Beirut to West Beirut while they were at war in the 70's (In Lebanon)

The game of Beirut spread very fast across the nation picking up a bunch of different variations of the game as it went. Although the game is called Beirut, it is often referred to as Beer Pong in many areas. It has been agreed among most people that calling the game Beirut or Beer Pong is acceptable and can be used interchangeably when referring to the game. Tendencies show that more people from the north refer to it as Beirut and more people from the south refer to it either as Beirut or Beer Pong. Simply it is argued that 'Beer Pong' is easier to remember and makes more sense to the novice player. But most serious players call it 'Beirut'.

I personally believe the game started in the 70's but did not get popular until the 80's and has been spreading ever since. There is now not 1 university or college in the US that does not have a few hardcore Beirut players.

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Official Beer Pong Rules

1. We play with 10 Cups here, get used to it.
2. The first game of the night requires a shoot-off to determine first shot. Winners shoot first for the rest of the night.
3. No one's hand can not pass the edge of table after you shoot a ball.
4. Re-Racks only occur when there are 6,3,2 or 1 cups left.
5. If a ball is "rimming" the cup, bitches can blow it out and fags can finger it out
6. Bouncing the ball off of anything except other cups count. One additional cup must be drank for every bounce
7. Any cups made are left on the table until the team is done shooting. If the team gets balls back those cups are then removed.
8. When both team members make their shot in the same cup; 3 cups are removed and balls back
9. If one team sinks all the cups the other team gets one last chance to come back by shooting until they miss in attempts to tie it up.
10. If a team successfully ties the game through a rebuttal, the game starts over with 3 cups in play.
11. Breaking any rule results in one cup being removed from the offender's team.
12. No re-racks allowed during mid-turn.
13. Any bounced balls can be instantly swatted away.
14. Any cups knocked over are to be removed from play.
15. A shot made into a cup in hand or a side-beer means game over.
16. Any team skunked must streak around the building.

by Nick Brodka

Beer and Your Healhty

Beer is an alcoholic drink, but that alone doesn't make it a danger to your health. Only excessive consumption leads to headaches, hangovers and eventually more severe health problems. A moderate consumption of beer has no negative impact on your health.

With that in mind, let's see some of the aspects favoring beer consumption and their counterpoints:

Beer Contains no Fat, but It Does Cause the "Beer Belly"

You've heard that beer makes people fat - the "beer belly" is a famous expression all around the world. Well, actually, beer itself contains no fat and there are plenty of beer diets you can try to get thin (beer diets are not based on calorie counting). So what exactly causes the beer belly? Excessive consumption of beer means excessive consumption of alcohol. Alcohol can lessen the body's ability to burn fat. And you've heard people saying that drinking a glass of beer equals eating a slice of bread. The "liquid bread", they say. That's true: because beer contains alcohol and alcohol contains calories. Depending on the brand, beer contains about 7-8 calories per gram, sometimes even more.

Beer Is Low in Sugar, but Can Cause Your Sugar Levels to Drop

The low levels of sugar in beer are a positive aspect. But beer contains alcohol and alcohol will cause the natural sugar levels in your blood to drop, leading to fatigue and a low energy level. Too much beer and you can go straight to bed. On the other hand, alcohol lowers insulin levels. That makes beer perfect for non-diabetics, as it reduces the chances of developing arteriosclerosis.

Beer May Help to Reduce the Risk of Heart Disease

Because it contains no cholesterol and it contains polyphenols with antioxidant qualities that will reduce the "bad cholesterol", also known as LDL cholesterol oxidation, beer may reduce the risk of heart disease. Besides, beer is a source of fiber derived from the malted barley which can also help. Consumption of beer may even help to reduce stress. That's good news. But again: moderate consumption! Not more than one beer per day for women and two for men and definitely not every day! Alcohol is also a blood thinner, thus not only is your heart protected, but the risk of stroke is also diminished. Some studies even consider moderate alcohol consumption (seven drinks a week) to be helpful in improving memory.

Beer Is Very Nutritious, but It Can Destroy Vitamin C

So far we know that beer is a great source of fiber. It also contains substantial amounts of minerals - magnesium, potassium, phosphorus and plenty of B vitamins: B1 (thiamine), B2 (riboflavin), B3 (niacin), B5 (pantothenic acid), B6 (pyridoxin) and B9 (folate) and B12 inotisol. Yet, alcohol destroys vitamin C.

Beer is 98% Water, but Still a Diuretic

Although 98% water, beer is a diuretic because it contains alcohol. That means you should not drink too much and never replace water with beer. To avoid headaches and hangovers caused by dehydration you should always have a glass of water between each glass of alcohol you drink.

by Michael Russell Your Independent guide to Beer